It's funny but today I am having a hard time getting what's in my head onto the pages of this site. I mean that's what blogging is all about... getting what's in your head out onto the pages for everyone else to see and ponder along with you.
I am just afraid that I will come across negative and bitter... and that is the last thing I want people to read. However if I can't be honest without being judged then I guess the problem lies with those who are doing the judging not with I.. the one that is pouring her heart and soul into the words on this web site. So here it goes please put all judgements aside until you have read through this insert completely. Please and Thank You.
I never thought the day would come when I found myself saying these words... I miss being Andrea the recovered Alcoholic/Addict, Bible College Student, Youth Worker/Assistant to Youth Pastor Graham McMahon. I miss being someone who seemed to make a difference in the world she was apart of in Canada and was reminded of it every now and then. I miss it because there at least I knew where I stood. There I knew what my role was, in society, in life, in general. I don't know what's it is that I am feeling lately... if its self pity, confusion, uncertainty, or self righteousness. I do know that I am not a fan of how I am feeling.. not in the least bit.
It's hard to go from knowing (or at least thinking I knew) what my role in life was to not having a clue what I am "supposed to be doing". I live most days in disbelief. Could it be that God really called me all the way to Ireland to work on my interpersonal skills? One things for sure I am way softer then I used to be. (not sure how I feel about that) I feel as though I have lost my edge somehow. I miss being a hard ass. These days I can be found with Kids hanging off of me, say things like "No Luka aaaaa is not a letter it is the sound the letter A makes!" or "It's pronounced Airplane, not Aeroplane!" Then there are the days when I have the mothers of these children asking me if I think its wrong for them to want to take a day for themselves. Are you Nuking Futs? No I do not think its wrong!!! If you are at the point where you can't even cope with the little things that the day has to throw your way how are you going to be able to cope with a screaming child? Take a break, have a day to yourself. Let me walk along side of you and help carry your load sister sheesh! Sometimes I wonder if this is all a gag that God is pulling on me. I went from working with youth/ street folks/ addicts/ alcoholics to leading worship, and God Zone (children's ministry) at my church. What the HELL HAPPENED! When and why did it happen???? I am 3oish with no job, no funding to finish my schooling when and if I get back to Canada, no place to live or even call home when and if I get back. No life to look forward to at all really. Not to mention I have been single for 10 years this year. Where did THAT time go??? It's like I am so dis-functional that God couldn't even bare to bring a prospect of a man into my life in fear that I will end up screwing him up too! Actually if the truth be known... it has been a great ten years, I ain't gonna lie! OK where was I? Oh right nag nag nag, moan moan moan! Well I don't know about you but YES I DO FEEL BETTER!
Well there it is folks now you all know... I am a confused Christian, one who asks questions, kicks, screams and even cries when things are not going according to my will. Truth be known... I am human. And I am a human who preferred things the ways they were... not all the time mind you, because there where many times I was wishing I could be anywhere else other then in Abbotsford, Canada. Typical huh. Don't like what you've got when you've got it. And the minute its not there you begin to kick and scream and put up a fuss because you want it back.
Don't get me wrong, I still love God with all of my heart and all of my soul. I trust Him to lead me forward onto the next task at hand. I depend on Him absolutely and completely 100%. I would be nothing if it were not for Jesus helping me out of the darkest of dark pitts. On my own I clawed, scraped and tried so desperately to get out failing at everything I tried. It was His hands that reached down and pulled me out, dusted me off and showed me a better way. You see no matter how crappy I am feeling, or how shitty my attitude is at the moment. I will always seek his help, his encouragement, his all knowingness, his love, his guidance, his truth about what my life is truly about.
The entire problem lies with me thinking I know what is best for me. The problem arises when I begin to do things according to my own will. Its not about that though its about doing his will in my life, for my life. His will was for me to come here to Ireland. His will has been to take me and mold me into a softer person. And understand that soft does not mean weak. Soft does not mean defeated. Soft simply means kinder, gentler, more understanding and more willing to appear...soft.
My heart has been broken for this country time and time again. I long for an Ireland that is welcoming to outsiders, I long for an Ireland that is loving to each other and themselves. I long for an Ireland where the parents will take back their roles as parents and take responsibility for themselves and their children. This country has bred an entirely new generation of kids that just don't care about anything. They live in a completely hopeless state of existence. They hate their parents, their schools their teachers. They hate anyone in authority, and especially anyone who reaches out to help them.
I was given some great advice from a friend from back in Canada, Bryan Born I am talking about you!!!
You wrote this, "As I read through your journal, it's clear that you love God and want to do whatever He wants you to do. Just relax-love Him, love the person right in front of you."
Well thank you Bryan, I am going to do just that. I may not be involved in the same types of ministries as I was in Canada. But I can pour my love in to those that I have in my life today. And with Gods help I will do just that because "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."
God bless you all, thank you for reading through my thoughts and prayer requests. With out you I would just be rambling on to.....
Prayer requests-
Please pray that I can be open to Gods will for me while I am here.
Please pray that I can be culturally sensitive.
Pray for our church here in Ireland we are going through some major changes.
Pray for God to reveal our new Pastor to us.
Pray for a venue to hold our youth nights in.
Pray for understanding of his will in my life.
Pray for future finances to somehow make sense to me.
Please pray that opportunities to travel more into the country side be opened up to me.
Please pray for my family while I am here that they will feel God pulling them closer to him and the kingdom of heaven.
I Love you all very much, thank you for sharing in my life's ups and downs with me.
Love Andrea xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I am just afraid that I will come across negative and bitter... and that is the last thing I want people to read. However if I can't be honest without being judged then I guess the problem lies with those who are doing the judging not with I.. the one that is pouring her heart and soul into the words on this web site. So here it goes please put all judgements aside until you have read through this insert completely. Please and Thank You.
I never thought the day would come when I found myself saying these words... I miss being Andrea the recovered Alcoholic/Addict, Bible College Student, Youth Worker/Assistant to Youth Pastor Graham McMahon. I miss being someone who seemed to make a difference in the world she was apart of in Canada and was reminded of it every now and then. I miss it because there at least I knew where I stood. There I knew what my role was, in society, in life, in general. I don't know what's it is that I am feeling lately... if its self pity, confusion, uncertainty, or self righteousness. I do know that I am not a fan of how I am feeling.. not in the least bit.
It's hard to go from knowing (or at least thinking I knew) what my role in life was to not having a clue what I am "supposed to be doing". I live most days in disbelief. Could it be that God really called me all the way to Ireland to work on my interpersonal skills? One things for sure I am way softer then I used to be. (not sure how I feel about that) I feel as though I have lost my edge somehow. I miss being a hard ass. These days I can be found with Kids hanging off of me, say things like "No Luka aaaaa is not a letter it is the sound the letter A makes!" or "It's pronounced Airplane, not Aeroplane!" Then there are the days when I have the mothers of these children asking me if I think its wrong for them to want to take a day for themselves. Are you Nuking Futs? No I do not think its wrong!!! If you are at the point where you can't even cope with the little things that the day has to throw your way how are you going to be able to cope with a screaming child? Take a break, have a day to yourself. Let me walk along side of you and help carry your load sister sheesh! Sometimes I wonder if this is all a gag that God is pulling on me. I went from working with youth/ street folks/ addicts/ alcoholics to leading worship, and God Zone (children's ministry) at my church. What the HELL HAPPENED! When and why did it happen???? I am 3oish with no job, no funding to finish my schooling when and if I get back to Canada, no place to live or even call home when and if I get back. No life to look forward to at all really. Not to mention I have been single for 10 years this year. Where did THAT time go??? It's like I am so dis-functional that God couldn't even bare to bring a prospect of a man into my life in fear that I will end up screwing him up too! Actually if the truth be known... it has been a great ten years, I ain't gonna lie! OK where was I? Oh right nag nag nag, moan moan moan! Well I don't know about you but YES I DO FEEL BETTER!
Well there it is folks now you all know... I am a confused Christian, one who asks questions, kicks, screams and even cries when things are not going according to my will. Truth be known... I am human. And I am a human who preferred things the ways they were... not all the time mind you, because there where many times I was wishing I could be anywhere else other then in Abbotsford, Canada. Typical huh. Don't like what you've got when you've got it. And the minute its not there you begin to kick and scream and put up a fuss because you want it back.
Don't get me wrong, I still love God with all of my heart and all of my soul. I trust Him to lead me forward onto the next task at hand. I depend on Him absolutely and completely 100%. I would be nothing if it were not for Jesus helping me out of the darkest of dark pitts. On my own I clawed, scraped and tried so desperately to get out failing at everything I tried. It was His hands that reached down and pulled me out, dusted me off and showed me a better way. You see no matter how crappy I am feeling, or how shitty my attitude is at the moment. I will always seek his help, his encouragement, his all knowingness, his love, his guidance, his truth about what my life is truly about.
The entire problem lies with me thinking I know what is best for me. The problem arises when I begin to do things according to my own will. Its not about that though its about doing his will in my life, for my life. His will was for me to come here to Ireland. His will has been to take me and mold me into a softer person. And understand that soft does not mean weak. Soft does not mean defeated. Soft simply means kinder, gentler, more understanding and more willing to appear...soft.
My heart has been broken for this country time and time again. I long for an Ireland that is welcoming to outsiders, I long for an Ireland that is loving to each other and themselves. I long for an Ireland where the parents will take back their roles as parents and take responsibility for themselves and their children. This country has bred an entirely new generation of kids that just don't care about anything. They live in a completely hopeless state of existence. They hate their parents, their schools their teachers. They hate anyone in authority, and especially anyone who reaches out to help them.
I was given some great advice from a friend from back in Canada, Bryan Born I am talking about you!!!
You wrote this, "As I read through your journal, it's clear that you love God and want to do whatever He wants you to do. Just relax-love Him, love the person right in front of you."
Well thank you Bryan, I am going to do just that. I may not be involved in the same types of ministries as I was in Canada. But I can pour my love in to those that I have in my life today. And with Gods help I will do just that because "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."
God bless you all, thank you for reading through my thoughts and prayer requests. With out you I would just be rambling on to.....
Prayer requests-
Please pray that I can be open to Gods will for me while I am here.
Please pray that I can be culturally sensitive.
Pray for our church here in Ireland we are going through some major changes.
Pray for God to reveal our new Pastor to us.
Pray for a venue to hold our youth nights in.
Pray for understanding of his will in my life.
Pray for future finances to somehow make sense to me.
Please pray that opportunities to travel more into the country side be opened up to me.
Please pray for my family while I am here that they will feel God pulling them closer to him and the kingdom of heaven.
I Love you all very much, thank you for sharing in my life's ups and downs with me.
Love Andrea xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
posted by Andrea at 3/04/2007
3 Comments:
You are in our prayers, and we miss you very much. you need to check out our blog there is some new news on there that you may be interested in :)
You do not sound at all bitter, you sound confused and there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling, you are being honest which is way better than lying and saying "Yeah everything here is wonderful!" You are strong, you are brave and you expressed your feelings. Everyone has moments or years of confusion it doesn't mean that you are less of a Christian. You are amazing and you are doing an amazing job, this is what God has given you to do and you are doing his work even if it is not how you had imagined. Stay strong, we all miss you here! Lots of Love!
Hey you,
I know its not polite to say hey you but I don't think you would care all that much. Anyways, I have read this little blog a few times the last few weeks and have prayed for you through each reading. Thankyou for your honesty, and just laying everything out their. I have been really praying God's grace and peace and love. You are the King's daughter, an amazing intercessor, an obedient child of the most high, God speaks to you the deep things of his heart because he trusts you, you make him smile and laugh, he likes your jokes, and loves it when you hang out, and when you see him in others and love the unloveable.
Andrea, don't be filled with anxious thoughts, or grief, or fear, or shame, look to the Father, let him embrace you and lift your chin.
I miss you tons, and you are not forgotten. I can't wait to hear your laugh, and to see you well up as you share the amazing things that God taught you in the land of shamrocks.
Blessings,
Adam
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